Woman Wants a Relationship With Happily Married Couple - Dear Abby (2023)

A few years ago, I met a woman I have become good friends with. She's happily married. She and her husband are empty nesters, like I am. We often socialize, and when we do there is definite chemistry between the three of us.

I've recently heard of the concept of a "throuple," which is consenting adults living together as any couple would, except there are three rather than two. I can't help but wonder whether my friend, her husband and I might make a good throuple. This is not a case of rushing into something. We have known each other for several years and have established trust and compatibility.

I'm nervous to bring this up because I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. I'm also scared about how deeply I feel for both of these people, and I think it's mutual. I don't like being single, and the thought of dating again gives me hives. What should I do? -- FOUND THE RIGHT ONES OUT WEST

DEAR FOUND: Carefully consider which will give you worse hives. After two divorces, you are now in a position to make wiser decisions about men in the future, provided you're willing to risk dipping your toe into the dating pool.

It's very possible that, as much as this couple likes you, they may not be enthusiastic about the idea of a throuple. Proposing what you have in mind may put a crimp in your relationship with one -- or both -- of them. Unless you can find a way to casually gauge their reaction to "throupling" hypothetically in the course of a conversation, allow me to share a bit of wisdom that has served me well: When in doubt -- don't!

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter's husband has not bonded with their youngest child. He won't hold her or play with her, and barely acknowledges her existence. When, through therapy, our daughter learned to confront the issue, he admitted he just doesn't feel anything for the child.

In truth, he's not much more attentive to their 3-year-old. He would rather play video games than interact with his children or his wife. As far as we know, he isn't physically abusive toward the children or our daughter, but he is definitely verbally abusive.

Having been a victim of abuse myself, I am well aware that verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse and, in fact, is sometimes a precursor to physical abuse. As grandparents, is there anything we can do, or must we watch these precious little girls be starved for affection from their father? -- AWARE IN TEXAS

DEAR AWARE: While you cannot force your son-in-law to be a better parent -- or husband -- you CAN encourage your daughter to continue her therapy so she can become more assertive, not only for the sake of her children, but also for herself. It may give her the strength to end the marriage. In the meantime, continue to love your grandchildren and give them the positive reinforcement and all the attention they deserve so they learn what healthy relationships feel like.

DEAR ABBY: My brother passed away. He and my sister-in-law had a good marriage. A month after his funeral, my sister-in-law gave her kids their father's clothes, instructed them to go through them, keep what they wanted or sell or donate the rest. It has been barely a year. Now she's redecorating their house -- painting, taking down pictures and buying new furniture.

This bothers me greatly. I'm so hurt that everything is being changed. It's like she's trying to erase him -- all within one year! Should I ask her why everything is being changed and disposed of so soon? And should I feel so hurt about this? -- UNSURE HOW TO FEEL

DEAR UNSURE: Your former sister-in-law appears to be more pragmatic than sentimental, and there is nothing wrong with that. She knew her late husband could no longer use his wardrobe, and saw no reason to keep the items hanging in the closet. That she offered his clothes to her children was appropriate. That she is now making changes to the house is not unusual. People are cautioned not to make "important decisions" for about a year after a spouse passes, and your former SIL has wisely refrained.

If you want to ask her why she's changing things, do so in a non-accusatory way that won't offend her. I suspect that you are feeling hurt because you are still not ready to accept that your brother is gone forever. You might find it helpful to talk about it with someone with expertise in the grieving process.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for nine years. While we were dating, he was kind, considerate and loving. After we married, he turned into a chronic complainer, something he later confessed he had been hiding while we dated.

He talks to me like I'm trash and then gets nice when he wants something. He complains about my grown children, my best friend and even if I leave for work a couple of minutes early. He is a miserable person. I cannot do anything to make him happy. I can't take this anymore.

He has taken the things away from me that I love -- flowers, gardening, pets, books, friends, etc. I'm ready to leave, but he has cancer and I'd feel guilty. He is clear right now, but it will come back.

I don't want to stay. Life is too short to live this way. He has a great support system with his family. They would take care of him. My health has been affected by him and his terrible attitude. What do I do? -- WORN-OUT WIFE

DEAR WIFE: What you do now is consult a lawyer, pack your bags and leave before he worsens. Do not expect your husband to be grateful for any of the efforts you have made on his behalf during the course of your marriage. During the time you were dating, he hid from you the fact that he was a verbal abuser. Now you know he was a fraud. Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself and reclaiming your life.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a three-year relationship, but my significant other, "Ron," is extremely cautious about emotional attachment. It took him two years to tell me he loves me or even to express any form of serious affection. In addition, he's consumed by his job and worries about how his co-workers perceive him. He seems to prioritize work relationships over our relationship.

Because I have been depressed by the meager affection he shows me, I began an intimate relationship with a former co-worker, "Dan." Dan expresses no reservations or restraint in his feelings for me. He makes me feel appreciated, beautiful and loved.

I have strong feelings for them both and realize I have created a horrible situation. I don't want to abandon a stable, caring relationship that was cultivated over three years, and I'm terrified that ending the relationship in favor of one with Dan would be something I'll regret later. But I'm unwilling to break things off with Dan. I'd appreciate any advice. -- TWO-TIMER ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR 'TWO-TIMER': I'll try. Because your relationship with Ron left you feeling so empty that you went looking for solace in another man's arms, ask yourself whether you really love Ron or just the challenge of getting him to finally commit to you. You are unwilling to give Dan up because he gives you affection and validation, which are vital in a long-term relationship.

Recognize that you are cheating on both men, which is fair to neither one -- and do not think that Ron won't find out. If you want to spend your life with an emotionally unavailable workaholic, do the honorable thing and break up with Dan. If what you have been getting from Dan is more important to you, well, you know the drill.

DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter recently had her first child. She sent out christening invitations a month early after clearing the date with the godparents, church and venue.

My youngest adult daughter, who has two children and lives nearby, declined the invite. (She is not the godparent.) Her reason was that she and her family had tickets to a ballgame on the same day as the christening. I suggested that only she attend and have another relative go to the game in her place, but was told she should be at the game with her family. Your thoughts? -- PRIORITIES IN FLORIDA

DEAR PRIORITIES: My first thought is that your younger daughter ranks her love of sports above her love for her sister. My second thought is that her priorities are out of whack. Could there be bad blood between them? Long after that ballgame is over and forgotten, the memory of her absence at that important family event will be remembered by the relatives she snubbed.